The last few years of my life have been such a roller coaster. When I think back to how bad things were, I'm amazed at where I'm at right now. It's still a little tough to wrap my mind around the fact that everything is actually ok. I got used to it all being so up and down that I'm still a little weary. I don't want to get too comfortable. Waiting for things to go bad has almost become 2nd nature. There are no more lies waiting to come out. My sister isn't crying and screaming every day. I'm not fighting with my dad. I haven't had to pack up my life. I haven't cried or been angry from all the stress of everything being so BROKEN. The pieces are being put back together. I never thought I'd see the day. I never expected things to get better, and they have. The silver lining came, and didn't go away like I expected it to.

I'm not complaining. I am merely reflecting. I'm trying to understand my thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to get used to things being good. I'm trying to learn to trust it all, and let myself plant my feet on solid ground. The whole happy family became so foreign to me that I'm even still getting used to that idea. I supposed one day at a time, I will eventually let myself be ok with being ok, if that makes any sense at all. 

Anywho. That's all for now. =)

Written October 26th, 2010.

 I know I've met you. I know at one time, I loved you. Your heart was imperfect, as was mine. While mine grew strong and lived on, yours faded away and above. You faded too soon, brother, sooner before I was old enough to remember you throughout my lifetime.

I look back on memories that are not mine, only stories that have been told to me. Yet, I somehow feel it is my duty to life through this obscene life and make it worth the fight we both had fought together in the beginning.

Your smile has left my young memory, how I wish I could see it for myself instead of hearing those stories. You went before I could understand what "gone forever" meant. I try my best because I think that it is what you, my brother, would want me to do. Isn't it? A question I wish you were here to answer.

Forgive me for my selfishness. Wishing you away from resting peacefully above. But a part of me is empty. Empty from never being able to know you or remember that at one time, I was your sister, and that I had once loved you, my dear, Baby Brother.

Kari Nicole

Die hard habits.

It's true, what they say... old habits do die hard. They're hard to break. Maybe you can hold back for a while, but usually those habits will come slithering right back. Then there you are, right back where your sorry bad habit having ass began.

Maybe, one who could actually stop being in denial, and honest with themself could leave the old habits behind. That all starts with telling the truth. One may lie to keep their lives in tact. Of course you would think that after so many times of that plan failing one would learn their lesson. I thought maybe someone had. Then there it is, right before my eyes. The lies, the denial.

Maybe I'm not much better. I'm with holding what I know, in an effort to keep things from shattering again. Not for my own sake. I'm sure a lot of people, my family in particular may think I'm selfish. Trust me, I'm not. I've let many a lie go too keep others from being hurt. Although with holding may eventually do that in time anyway. It shouldn't be my place to begin with.

 I know the entry is quite vague, as if it were some sort of cryptic message. It is vague, but not a cryptic message. Just me rambling, trying to sort through my thoughts. It's not really working.

I will continue to with hold what is bothering me so. In time, without my speaking up, it will all come out. I just hope I'm near a table so I can duck and cover.

Bye bye kitty.

Another gloomy day on my part of the world. Not only because of gray skies and rain. I had to put my 14 year old cat, Feisty, to sleep this morning. I felt so bad, leaving her lifeless on that powder blue vet table. She was so sick, she had been for a while. She meowed in pain all night last night, so I had to do what was right. As hard as it was, I stayed in the room with her while the Dr. and assistant euthanized her. It was quick and painless for her, but it made my heart sink. The skin around her neck where the techinician held her to keep her still stayed bunched up and stiff, she was gone.

After the procedure was done they gave me a moment to say good bye to her. I only stayed a minute, kissed her and walked out. My heart is in my throat every time I think about it. Anyone who is an animal lover could understand. Letting go of a pet is tough. I rescued her from the pound right before my 10th birthday, I grew up with her. It's as if another part of my childhood is gone. This is not the worse loss, or hardest thing I've ever done in my life, yet, surely not the easiest in the least bit.

 She was a pretty good cat. Despite her name, she wasn't feisty at all. She was lovey dovey as could be. Especially with me. I was hers, not the other way around. She lived a happy and spoiled life. I wouldn't have had it any other way. =) R.I.P .

Gloom and doom

It's baaaaack. The rainy days are BACK. I am still not a fan of the rain, or the cold. This gloom and doom weather will never make it to my "favorite things" list. Even so, I don't exactly care for days so scortching hot that I could cook an egg on the pavement. Not that I would do that, I would deem that egg inedible. Unless I was on the verge of death from hunger, then I would make an exception to eating that egg. That is not an exaggeration, I really am that picky of my food. Although I would at a pavement cooked egg over one that has been landed on by a pesky fly. Yes, I am a picky eater. Lets get back to the weather, shall we?

 A couple more upsides to the rain: I don't have to wash my car, and clean air which will help with my allergies. It will be quite nice to be able  to sleep without a stuffy nose, or wake up to one. I could live without irritated itchy eyes, too.

Considering that I reside in California, tomorrow could be as bright as a summer day. So bright you would never think that the day before it had been one such as today. But, tomorrow has yet to come. So for now, I will keep on my warm pajama pants, throw on some socks, wrap myself up in one of my favorite blankets, and watch tv or maybe even read a book.

Discontent, indifferent.

Life is, as usual, quite a roller coaster these days. My mom broke up with her boyfriend. Who was more obsessed with her than in love with her. We moved in with my aunt, then a week later my mom and dad decided to get back together. Now, the process of moving in with my dad in his new house, and getting used to the whole bing a family again has begun. Some days, or moments even, I'm ok with it. While other times, I'm not so sure how to feel about it. Once again things are moving really quickly. I'm not sure the ground beneath my feet is steady or if it's going to fall through the second I put all of my weight on it. I even find myself unsure of my place in the whole process. I'll be honest I feel quite in the way. Sometimes even a burden. Of course not having a job still doesn't help. Maybe once I am able to find a stable job it will be a different story. I can save up, and "get out of the way." Then I can focus on me, get myself together so I can stop feeling like I'm a good for nothing piece of shit. As well as get everyone and their monkey's uncle off my case. Especially my dad. Otherwise living with him again will turn out to be unbearable. I have to watch myself, I don't want to piss him off because he'll kick me out, for a 3rd time.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells some times. I'm 24 on Tuesday, and I have NO choices right now. I need to step my game up and change that. /=

It's my birthday weekend, too. I don' even feel excited about it. Once I'm out tomorrow night, get a couple drinks in me I will get out of my little rut. With a couple friends there to be in my corner I'll be good. I just need a night to put everything that is bugging me in the back of my mind for a little bit. We'll see. /=

The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

Fork after fork after fork in the road. I seem to hit every single one of them. I find myself within reach of catching a break. Then it slips away before I can even touch it with my finger tips. It makes a person not want to try at all sometimes. What's the use? But, of course, that one time one decides not to try, could be the time they could actually succeed. If only I could think that way all the time. Maybe I should write that saying on a post it, then stick it to the mirror in my bedroom. Positive thinking leads to a positive outcome?.. Eventually, I suppose.

At least I can find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one having a difficult time moving forward in my life. Times are hard these days for most. I am also acutely aware that things could be much worse. I've faced worse, and I am certain there will be worse to come at some point in my future. The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

In time I will sort things out. I haven't much choice. In the mean time, I will be sure to have fun whenever I can.