Discontent, indifferent.

Life is, as usual, quite a roller coaster these days. My mom broke up with her boyfriend. Who was more obsessed with her than in love with her. We moved in with my aunt, then a week later my mom and dad decided to get back together. Now, the process of moving in with my dad in his new house, and getting used to the whole bing a family again has begun. Some days, or moments even, I'm ok with it. While other times, I'm not so sure how to feel about it. Once again things are moving really quickly. I'm not sure the ground beneath my feet is steady or if it's going to fall through the second I put all of my weight on it. I even find myself unsure of my place in the whole process. I'll be honest I feel quite in the way. Sometimes even a burden. Of course not having a job still doesn't help. Maybe once I am able to find a stable job it will be a different story. I can save up, and "get out of the way." Then I can focus on me, get myself together so I can stop feeling like I'm a good for nothing piece of shit. As well as get everyone and their monkey's uncle off my case. Especially my dad. Otherwise living with him again will turn out to be unbearable. I have to watch myself, I don't want to piss him off because he'll kick me out, for a 3rd time.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells some times. I'm 24 on Tuesday, and I have NO choices right now. I need to step my game up and change that. /=

It's my birthday weekend, too. I don' even feel excited about it. Once I'm out tomorrow night, get a couple drinks in me I will get out of my little rut. With a couple friends there to be in my corner I'll be good. I just need a night to put everything that is bugging me in the back of my mind for a little bit. We'll see. /=

The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

Fork after fork after fork in the road. I seem to hit every single one of them. I find myself within reach of catching a break. Then it slips away before I can even touch it with my finger tips. It makes a person not want to try at all sometimes. What's the use? But, of course, that one time one decides not to try, could be the time they could actually succeed. If only I could think that way all the time. Maybe I should write that saying on a post it, then stick it to the mirror in my bedroom. Positive thinking leads to a positive outcome?.. Eventually, I suppose.

At least I can find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one having a difficult time moving forward in my life. Times are hard these days for most. I am also acutely aware that things could be much worse. I've faced worse, and I am certain there will be worse to come at some point in my future. The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

In time I will sort things out. I haven't much choice. In the mean time, I will be sure to have fun whenever I can.

One Foot in Front of the Other

My motivation runs thin. The ambition I used to have was as bright as the sun, has dimmed. Sometimes it will shine through, then fade away in an instant. My life is passing me by, and I am letting it. You think knowing that I'm lucky to be alive would be enough to make me to get off my ass and move my feet forward. It should be, I am ashamed that it has not been such. When we're young we have these big dreams and have this picture of what the world should be. Then we grow up, life happens, our dreams change or become out of our reach. We go from being eternal optimists to a pessimist who begins to see the glass as half empty. I want to turn things around. I want my glass to be half full, my ambition and dreams as bright as the summer sun.

She is.

Unseen tears in her eyes of blue,
she continues to stand in solitude.
The unspoken words, stuck at the
tip of her tongue will remain unheard.

She is fragile, but not that of a porcelain plate.
Deep in her heart, her soul, lies hidden strength.

I decided to elaborate. OK?

Wonder why I'm mad and NOT chilling out? Here's why. It's not about just ONE night of plans falling through. It's about it happening consistently from the same people. Plans in general. It's about the same people closest to me being consistently unreliable.

People who if I had a problem and would normally call first, I wouldn't call anymore because most likely, they wouldn't answer. I can understand that shit happens, and that everyone has shit going on in their lives. I get it completely.

But it's the same shit time and time again. No one seems to understand where I'm coming from and it's pissing me off. I hardly ever get mad, or when I do I keep it to myself. So now that I'm mad and I'm letting everyone know, they want to tell me to chill out like I don't have the right or a reason to be angry or frustrated. I do. I'd be less angry if they could get where I'm coming from and realize I am not so to ridiculous as to get upset and freak out over one tiny thing or a single night.This single night just ties everything else together that's been bugging the hell out of me and I've been keeping it to myself. But unless I actually get mad, no one is going to take me seriously. Which in that sense is partially my fault for putting up with it all the time.

Being sorry is all well and good, but after a while it gets old. Instead people being sorry all the time, change it. Just do what you said you would. It's that simple. I just want to actually be able to count on people.I want to be taken seriously without having to go all bitch fit on people. It's so simple that it was practically under everyone's nose the whole time. Here it is, spelled out for everyone to see. && To whoever disagrees, or doesn't like what I have to say, oh well. I'm the the honey badger. I don't care, I don't give a shit. (refer to the honey badger video I posted a couple days ago if you don't get it.)

Now, since I got all that bullshit out of the way, my pizza is cold again. I'm going to heat it up, eat it like I've never ate before, and go to bed.

Take it easy.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, I'm slacking. I always start a journal determined to write every day or quite often. I manage for a week or so, then lose interest. The longest I have managed to keep up with a journal was a year. Which was quite some time ago. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, I just can't seem to find the words to express myself in the manner of which I would like to.

My last entry was about my mom. The health issue I was speaking of was the possibility of cervical cancer. She had had a biopsy a couple days prior to that entry, and we had to wait two weeks to know the results. Well, I guess they found cancer cells, but thankfully the surgery to remove them is only a minor one. So I am relieved. Just the thought of cancer is a scary a thing. Especially the thought of my mom having it, and having to go through the battle. I've ran through so many worst case scenarios in my mind, all of which would be incredibly unbearable if they ever came true.

Now that we know it's not so serious, I can breath a little easier and my anxiety has calmed down. I'll have my hands full for a couple of weeks while my mom is recuperating, but that's quite all right with me. I owe her after all the surgeries she's helped me through. Which I've been lucky to not have to go through for 10 years now. Hopefully I can keep it up. =P

I will try to keep up with this. Even though all I really do is blab and ramble a lot. But I need it seeing as I had a slight break down last week from holding every little thing in. Old habits die hard, what can I say? Anyway, now that I've got a load off my mind, I am going to go in my room, read, and relax.

Adios!

Thanks, California Weather.

The cold everyone seems to be getting has kindly migrated it's way over to me. Quite suddenly, too. Saturday night I was out having drinks with my best friend for her birthday, early Sunday morning, boom, sore throat accompanied by a stuffed up nose.

Within a blink of an eye my plans for the week have been tarnished. Goodbye plans, hello bed. Don't get me wrong, I love my bed with all of my little beating heart, just not as much when I've been confined to it for three days.

Thanks to my crappy immune system this cold isn't going to let up unless I rest and do all the necessary things one is supposed to do to rid a cold. Which consist of: Drinking lots of fluids (water, hot tea), sleep my days away, and eat soup. I'm sure the jack in the box, pepsi, and pizza I had today weren't exactly helpful. I couldn't help it, each were just so good. What I could taste of them. I discovered that due to my cold screwing up my taste buds, I can get through a whole bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos. Normally I am a wimp and can only eat a couple of them before needing to chug a bunch of water to cool my burning mouth. One small upside, I guess.

The only REAL upside would be this cold kicking rocks ASAP. My poor little nose is raw and as red as Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer from constantly blowing it. I get up for too long my stomach starts churning, my head spins and I am over this whole ordeal.  Sadly all I can do is let this menace of a cold play it's course. In the meantime, I will keep my fingers AND toes crossed that it migrates out of my system sooner rather than later.