Bye bye kitty.

Another gloomy day on my part of the world. Not only because of gray skies and rain. I had to put my 14 year old cat, Feisty, to sleep this morning. I felt so bad, leaving her lifeless on that powder blue vet table. She was so sick, she had been for a while. She meowed in pain all night last night, so I had to do what was right. As hard as it was, I stayed in the room with her while the Dr. and assistant euthanized her. It was quick and painless for her, but it made my heart sink. The skin around her neck where the techinician held her to keep her still stayed bunched up and stiff, she was gone.

After the procedure was done they gave me a moment to say good bye to her. I only stayed a minute, kissed her and walked out. My heart is in my throat every time I think about it. Anyone who is an animal lover could understand. Letting go of a pet is tough. I rescued her from the pound right before my 10th birthday, I grew up with her. It's as if another part of my childhood is gone. This is not the worse loss, or hardest thing I've ever done in my life, yet, surely not the easiest in the least bit.

 She was a pretty good cat. Despite her name, she wasn't feisty at all. She was lovey dovey as could be. Especially with me. I was hers, not the other way around. She lived a happy and spoiled life. I wouldn't have had it any other way. =) R.I.P .

Gloom and doom

It's baaaaack. The rainy days are BACK. I am still not a fan of the rain, or the cold. This gloom and doom weather will never make it to my "favorite things" list. Even so, I don't exactly care for days so scortching hot that I could cook an egg on the pavement. Not that I would do that, I would deem that egg inedible. Unless I was on the verge of death from hunger, then I would make an exception to eating that egg. That is not an exaggeration, I really am that picky of my food. Although I would at a pavement cooked egg over one that has been landed on by a pesky fly. Yes, I am a picky eater. Lets get back to the weather, shall we?

 A couple more upsides to the rain: I don't have to wash my car, and clean air which will help with my allergies. It will be quite nice to be able  to sleep without a stuffy nose, or wake up to one. I could live without irritated itchy eyes, too.

Considering that I reside in California, tomorrow could be as bright as a summer day. So bright you would never think that the day before it had been one such as today. But, tomorrow has yet to come. So for now, I will keep on my warm pajama pants, throw on some socks, wrap myself up in one of my favorite blankets, and watch tv or maybe even read a book.

Discontent, indifferent.

Life is, as usual, quite a roller coaster these days. My mom broke up with her boyfriend. Who was more obsessed with her than in love with her. We moved in with my aunt, then a week later my mom and dad decided to get back together. Now, the process of moving in with my dad in his new house, and getting used to the whole bing a family again has begun. Some days, or moments even, I'm ok with it. While other times, I'm not so sure how to feel about it. Once again things are moving really quickly. I'm not sure the ground beneath my feet is steady or if it's going to fall through the second I put all of my weight on it. I even find myself unsure of my place in the whole process. I'll be honest I feel quite in the way. Sometimes even a burden. Of course not having a job still doesn't help. Maybe once I am able to find a stable job it will be a different story. I can save up, and "get out of the way." Then I can focus on me, get myself together so I can stop feeling like I'm a good for nothing piece of shit. As well as get everyone and their monkey's uncle off my case. Especially my dad. Otherwise living with him again will turn out to be unbearable. I have to watch myself, I don't want to piss him off because he'll kick me out, for a 3rd time.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells some times. I'm 24 on Tuesday, and I have NO choices right now. I need to step my game up and change that. /=

It's my birthday weekend, too. I don' even feel excited about it. Once I'm out tomorrow night, get a couple drinks in me I will get out of my little rut. With a couple friends there to be in my corner I'll be good. I just need a night to put everything that is bugging me in the back of my mind for a little bit. We'll see. /=

The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

Fork after fork after fork in the road. I seem to hit every single one of them. I find myself within reach of catching a break. Then it slips away before I can even touch it with my finger tips. It makes a person not want to try at all sometimes. What's the use? But, of course, that one time one decides not to try, could be the time they could actually succeed. If only I could think that way all the time. Maybe I should write that saying on a post it, then stick it to the mirror in my bedroom. Positive thinking leads to a positive outcome?.. Eventually, I suppose.

At least I can find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one having a difficult time moving forward in my life. Times are hard these days for most. I am also acutely aware that things could be much worse. I've faced worse, and I am certain there will be worse to come at some point in my future. The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

In time I will sort things out. I haven't much choice. In the mean time, I will be sure to have fun whenever I can.

One Foot in Front of the Other

My motivation runs thin. The ambition I used to have was as bright as the sun, has dimmed. Sometimes it will shine through, then fade away in an instant. My life is passing me by, and I am letting it. You think knowing that I'm lucky to be alive would be enough to make me to get off my ass and move my feet forward. It should be, I am ashamed that it has not been such. When we're young we have these big dreams and have this picture of what the world should be. Then we grow up, life happens, our dreams change or become out of our reach. We go from being eternal optimists to a pessimist who begins to see the glass as half empty. I want to turn things around. I want my glass to be half full, my ambition and dreams as bright as the summer sun.

She is.

Unseen tears in her eyes of blue,
she continues to stand in solitude.
The unspoken words, stuck at the
tip of her tongue will remain unheard.

She is fragile, but not that of a porcelain plate.
Deep in her heart, her soul, lies hidden strength.

I decided to elaborate. OK?

Wonder why I'm mad and NOT chilling out? Here's why. It's not about just ONE night of plans falling through. It's about it happening consistently from the same people. Plans in general. It's about the same people closest to me being consistently unreliable.

People who if I had a problem and would normally call first, I wouldn't call anymore because most likely, they wouldn't answer. I can understand that shit happens, and that everyone has shit going on in their lives. I get it completely.

But it's the same shit time and time again. No one seems to understand where I'm coming from and it's pissing me off. I hardly ever get mad, or when I do I keep it to myself. So now that I'm mad and I'm letting everyone know, they want to tell me to chill out like I don't have the right or a reason to be angry or frustrated. I do. I'd be less angry if they could get where I'm coming from and realize I am not so to ridiculous as to get upset and freak out over one tiny thing or a single night.This single night just ties everything else together that's been bugging the hell out of me and I've been keeping it to myself. But unless I actually get mad, no one is going to take me seriously. Which in that sense is partially my fault for putting up with it all the time.

Being sorry is all well and good, but after a while it gets old. Instead people being sorry all the time, change it. Just do what you said you would. It's that simple. I just want to actually be able to count on people.I want to be taken seriously without having to go all bitch fit on people. It's so simple that it was practically under everyone's nose the whole time. Here it is, spelled out for everyone to see. && To whoever disagrees, or doesn't like what I have to say, oh well. I'm the the honey badger. I don't care, I don't give a shit. (refer to the honey badger video I posted a couple days ago if you don't get it.)

Now, since I got all that bullshit out of the way, my pizza is cold again. I'm going to heat it up, eat it like I've never ate before, and go to bed.