Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Die hard habits.

It's true, what they say... old habits do die hard. They're hard to break. Maybe you can hold back for a while, but usually those habits will come slithering right back. Then there you are, right back where your sorry bad habit having ass began.

Maybe, one who could actually stop being in denial, and honest with themself could leave the old habits behind. That all starts with telling the truth. One may lie to keep their lives in tact. Of course you would think that after so many times of that plan failing one would learn their lesson. I thought maybe someone had. Then there it is, right before my eyes. The lies, the denial.

Maybe I'm not much better. I'm with holding what I know, in an effort to keep things from shattering again. Not for my own sake. I'm sure a lot of people, my family in particular may think I'm selfish. Trust me, I'm not. I've let many a lie go too keep others from being hurt. Although with holding may eventually do that in time anyway. It shouldn't be my place to begin with.

 I know the entry is quite vague, as if it were some sort of cryptic message. It is vague, but not a cryptic message. Just me rambling, trying to sort through my thoughts. It's not really working.

I will continue to with hold what is bothering me so. In time, without my speaking up, it will all come out. I just hope I'm near a table so I can duck and cover.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Bye bye kitty.

Another gloomy day on my part of the world. Not only because of gray skies and rain. I had to put my 14 year old cat, Feisty, to sleep this morning. I felt so bad, leaving her lifeless on that powder blue vet table. She was so sick, she had been for a while. She meowed in pain all night last night, so I had to do what was right. As hard as it was, I stayed in the room with her while the Dr. and assistant euthanized her. It was quick and painless for her, but it made my heart sink. The skin around her neck where the techinician held her to keep her still stayed bunched up and stiff, she was gone.

After the procedure was done they gave me a moment to say good bye to her. I only stayed a minute, kissed her and walked out. My heart is in my throat every time I think about it. Anyone who is an animal lover could understand. Letting go of a pet is tough. I rescued her from the pound right before my 10th birthday, I grew up with her. It's as if another part of my childhood is gone. This is not the worse loss, or hardest thing I've ever done in my life, yet, surely not the easiest in the least bit.

 She was a pretty good cat. Despite her name, she wasn't feisty at all. She was lovey dovey as could be. Especially with me. I was hers, not the other way around. She lived a happy and spoiled life. I wouldn't have had it any other way. =) R.I.P .

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Gloom and doom

It's baaaaack. The rainy days are BACK. I am still not a fan of the rain, or the cold. This gloom and doom weather will never make it to my "favorite things" list. Even so, I don't exactly care for days so scortching hot that I could cook an egg on the pavement. Not that I would do that, I would deem that egg inedible. Unless I was on the verge of death from hunger, then I would make an exception to eating that egg. That is not an exaggeration, I really am that picky of my food. Although I would at a pavement cooked egg over one that has been landed on by a pesky fly. Yes, I am a picky eater. Lets get back to the weather, shall we?

 A couple more upsides to the rain: I don't have to wash my car, and clean air which will help with my allergies. It will be quite nice to be able  to sleep without a stuffy nose, or wake up to one. I could live without irritated itchy eyes, too.

Considering that I reside in California, tomorrow could be as bright as a summer day. So bright you would never think that the day before it had been one such as today. But, tomorrow has yet to come. So for now, I will keep on my warm pajama pants, throw on some socks, wrap myself up in one of my favorite blankets, and watch tv or maybe even read a book.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Discontent, indifferent.

Life is, as usual, quite a roller coaster these days. My mom broke up with her boyfriend. Who was more obsessed with her than in love with her. We moved in with my aunt, then a week later my mom and dad decided to get back together. Now, the process of moving in with my dad in his new house, and getting used to the whole bing a family again has begun. Some days, or moments even, I'm ok with it. While other times, I'm not so sure how to feel about it. Once again things are moving really quickly. I'm not sure the ground beneath my feet is steady or if it's going to fall through the second I put all of my weight on it. I even find myself unsure of my place in the whole process. I'll be honest I feel quite in the way. Sometimes even a burden. Of course not having a job still doesn't help. Maybe once I am able to find a stable job it will be a different story. I can save up, and "get out of the way." Then I can focus on me, get myself together so I can stop feeling like I'm a good for nothing piece of shit. As well as get everyone and their monkey's uncle off my case. Especially my dad. Otherwise living with him again will turn out to be unbearable. I have to watch myself, I don't want to piss him off because he'll kick me out, for a 3rd time.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells some times. I'm 24 on Tuesday, and I have NO choices right now. I need to step my game up and change that. /=

It's my birthday weekend, too. I don' even feel excited about it. Once I'm out tomorrow night, get a couple drinks in me I will get out of my little rut. With a couple friends there to be in my corner I'll be good. I just need a night to put everything that is bugging me in the back of my mind for a little bit. We'll see. /=

Friday, July 15, 2011

The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

Fork after fork after fork in the road. I seem to hit every single one of them. I find myself within reach of catching a break. Then it slips away before I can even touch it with my finger tips. It makes a person not want to try at all sometimes. What's the use? But, of course, that one time one decides not to try, could be the time they could actually succeed. If only I could think that way all the time. Maybe I should write that saying on a post it, then stick it to the mirror in my bedroom. Positive thinking leads to a positive outcome?.. Eventually, I suppose.

At least I can find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one having a difficult time moving forward in my life. Times are hard these days for most. I am also acutely aware that things could be much worse. I've faced worse, and I am certain there will be worse to come at some point in my future. The good, the bad. It makes the world go round.

In time I will sort things out. I haven't much choice. In the mean time, I will be sure to have fun whenever I can.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

One Foot in Front of the Other

My motivation runs thin. The ambition I used to have was as bright as the sun, has dimmed. Sometimes it will shine through, then fade away in an instant. My life is passing me by, and I am letting it. You think knowing that I'm lucky to be alive would be enough to make me to get off my ass and move my feet forward. It should be, I am ashamed that it has not been such. When we're young we have these big dreams and have this picture of what the world should be. Then we grow up, life happens, our dreams change or become out of our reach. We go from being eternal optimists to a pessimist who begins to see the glass as half empty. I want to turn things around. I want my glass to be half full, my ambition and dreams as bright as the summer sun.

Monday, May 30, 2011

She is.

Unseen tears in her eyes of blue,
she continues to stand in solitude.
The unspoken words, stuck at the
tip of her tongue will remain unheard.

She is fragile, but not that of a porcelain plate.
Deep in her heart, her soul, lies hidden strength.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I decided to elaborate. OK?

Wonder why I'm mad and NOT chilling out? Here's why. It's not about just ONE night of plans falling through. It's about it happening consistently from the same people. Plans in general. It's about the same people closest to me being consistently unreliable.

People who if I had a problem and would normally call first, I wouldn't call anymore because most likely, they wouldn't answer. I can understand that shit happens, and that everyone has shit going on in their lives. I get it completely.

But it's the same shit time and time again. No one seems to understand where I'm coming from and it's pissing me off. I hardly ever get mad, or when I do I keep it to myself. So now that I'm mad and I'm letting everyone know, they want to tell me to chill out like I don't have the right or a reason to be angry or frustrated. I do. I'd be less angry if they could get where I'm coming from and realize I am not so to ridiculous as to get upset and freak out over one tiny thing or a single night.This single night just ties everything else together that's been bugging the hell out of me and I've been keeping it to myself. But unless I actually get mad, no one is going to take me seriously. Which in that sense is partially my fault for putting up with it all the time.

Being sorry is all well and good, but after a while it gets old. Instead people being sorry all the time, change it. Just do what you said you would. It's that simple. I just want to actually be able to count on people.I want to be taken seriously without having to go all bitch fit on people. It's so simple that it was practically under everyone's nose the whole time. Here it is, spelled out for everyone to see. && To whoever disagrees, or doesn't like what I have to say, oh well. I'm the the honey badger. I don't care, I don't give a shit. (refer to the honey badger video I posted a couple days ago if you don't get it.)

Now, since I got all that bullshit out of the way, my pizza is cold again. I'm going to heat it up, eat it like I've never ate before, and go to bed.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Take it easy.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, I'm slacking. I always start a journal determined to write every day or quite often. I manage for a week or so, then lose interest. The longest I have managed to keep up with a journal was a year. Which was quite some time ago. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, I just can't seem to find the words to express myself in the manner of which I would like to.

My last entry was about my mom. The health issue I was speaking of was the possibility of cervical cancer. She had had a biopsy a couple days prior to that entry, and we had to wait two weeks to know the results. Well, I guess they found cancer cells, but thankfully the surgery to remove them is only a minor one. So I am relieved. Just the thought of cancer is a scary a thing. Especially the thought of my mom having it, and having to go through the battle. I've ran through so many worst case scenarios in my mind, all of which would be incredibly unbearable if they ever came true.

Now that we know it's not so serious, I can breath a little easier and my anxiety has calmed down. I'll have my hands full for a couple of weeks while my mom is recuperating, but that's quite all right with me. I owe her after all the surgeries she's helped me through. Which I've been lucky to not have to go through for 10 years now. Hopefully I can keep it up. =P

I will try to keep up with this. Even though all I really do is blab and ramble a lot. But I need it seeing as I had a slight break down last week from holding every little thing in. Old habits die hard, what can I say? Anyway, now that I've got a load off my mind, I am going to go in my room, read, and relax.

Adios!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Thanks, California Weather.

The cold everyone seems to be getting has kindly migrated it's way over to me. Quite suddenly, too. Saturday night I was out having drinks with my best friend for her birthday, early Sunday morning, boom, sore throat accompanied by a stuffed up nose.

Within a blink of an eye my plans for the week have been tarnished. Goodbye plans, hello bed. Don't get me wrong, I love my bed with all of my little beating heart, just not as much when I've been confined to it for three days.

Thanks to my crappy immune system this cold isn't going to let up unless I rest and do all the necessary things one is supposed to do to rid a cold. Which consist of: Drinking lots of fluids (water, hot tea), sleep my days away, and eat soup. I'm sure the jack in the box, pepsi, and pizza I had today weren't exactly helpful. I couldn't help it, each were just so good. What I could taste of them. I discovered that due to my cold screwing up my taste buds, I can get through a whole bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos. Normally I am a wimp and can only eat a couple of them before needing to chug a bunch of water to cool my burning mouth. One small upside, I guess.

The only REAL upside would be this cold kicking rocks ASAP. My poor little nose is raw and as red as Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer from constantly blowing it. I get up for too long my stomach starts churning, my head spins and I am over this whole ordeal.  Sadly all I can do is let this menace of a cold play it's course. In the meantime, I will keep my fingers AND toes crossed that it migrates out of my system sooner rather than later. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Open book? Not even. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to open up to anyone about even the simplest of things. I've had this big gray wall up my whole life. Few have been able to break it down. One would be lucky if I let them put a crack in it. I think that sometimes it's more that I don't trust myself to trust others, if that makes any sense at all. The second I trust someone even a little, I give them power to disappoint me. That's a risk I'm not sure I am willing to take, not again. If they want even ounce of trust from me, then they'll have to work for it. Just remember," actions speak louder than words." Words are useless if one does not reinforce them with their actions.

This is how I work. I am "sticking to my guns." Whoever can handle that and stick around, deserves a round of applause. Although, I won't hold my breath...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Another day of rain rain rain.

Trickle trickle trickle. It's still raining here on my end of California.The sky is different shades of gray. Gloomy. Surely not my kind of weather. I prefer the warm sun, accompanied by a clear blue sky. I would love to feel the warmth of the sun against my pale skin. My skin could use some color, right now I'm white enough to glow in the dark. This presents a problem come summer time when I will be needing to wear shorts and swim suits(I can't wait to by a new one!). Oh, and the fresh fruit from the fruit stands. Really, who doesn't love fresh fruit on a hot summer day? Only a crazy person wouldn't. A nice fresh, cold nectarine, oh man I really want one now. Instead I will settle for the nice warm hamburger sitting right in front of me. Time to eat!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sleep is a bitch.

I'm awake, but oh how I wish I was still asleep. Sure it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, SO WHAT? I'm tired. Sure sure it's my fault for not going to bed at a decent hour. It is not my fault that I was freezing my skinny ass off and couldn't fall asleep if my life depended on it. The heater seems to have a mind of it's own. It turns off and on whenever it damn well pleases. I tossed and turned. Every time I moved I was cold again. I threw the blankets over my face, but threw them off because I felt as if I couldn't breath. It was a lose lose situation for me. As it often is when I am trying to fall asleep. SCREW YOU INSOMNIA.

Now is no time to bitch about my sleeping habits, though. I have things to do, and people to do...and people to see. =) Thanks to my mom making brunch I have a stomach full of waffles, eggs, and potatoes. Thanks to my sister doing her thing in the bathroom, I got my plate first.

Welp I ought to take a shower and make myself presentable. Tonight is going to be a fun night with my best friends. I am doing a few hair cuts when I get there, which will thankfully put a little money in my pocket. Then it's time for food and drinking and lots and lots of shit talking fun times. I'll be back with stories. ;-D

Adios.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Sisterly Love

Love is a complicated, funny thing. I love my sister to death. Her endless rants when I am trying to think, not so much. I guess I should elaborate. I'm sure you're thinking I am speaking of a younger sister. Wrong. My sister is four years older, and is mentally handicap. We couldn't get a specific diagnosis from doctors. All I know is it may be that she was born "backwards." If there is a technical term, I am not sure what it is. 

To put it simply, she has the mental capacity of about a 4 or 5 year old. She often goes on little rants that are never directed towards any one that is actually there, but usually toward people she actually knows. My friends, usually. She likes to drop the "f" bomb and tell them that it's late and it is time to get up. She has two imaginary friends. Trudy and Pingirl. Where they came about, I couldn't tell ya. Mentioning them to her, however, is key to getting her from a bad mood, to a good one. It seems odd, but 4 and 5 year old's are odd, aren't they? There isn't any reasoning or rationalizing with a 5 year old. Especially one stuck in a 27 year old woman's body. Hardly a simple task.

Change is especially difficult. We've all gone through a lot of that in the last few years. Change is difficult when you can't understand it. She'll never understand why my parents split up or why her and my mom moved. She went from being the most happy go lucky person I have ever known to being sad and difficult. Her moods changed like the California weather. I often got frustrated with her. Seeing my sister upset and unresponsive to me trying to cheer her up broke my heart. All she wanted was my mom a lot of the time, but mom had to work.She couldn't understand that. It kind of felt like I had lost my sister. . I'm happy to say she's gotten better. She still has her moments, but I think with the proper medication she'll be the giggly goober she always was.